Published January 9, 2009
Don't be afraid my dear,
i am here,
Don't cry don't bleed,
I swear it ,
Ill die! take heed ,
My warning,
It only helps the dead ,
There is...
Blood running down my head ,
Oh,
this war,
It tore ,
Our house down to the ground,
Even though it was,
When we weren't around,
Because the fighting could last all night,
I hate all this building fright,
So please, my dear ,
Don't fear,
I'm here.
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'Kay, I touched on a few grammar issues above, but most certainly not them all. You need to do that.
Before posting on YWS I recommend you check your spelling and punctuation. No, I'm not being mean, it's just good advice. That way you won't have mistakes, so people will be able to concentrate on the poem and its beauty instead of going over basic grammar errors. Right, so now to get to yours:
In this poem you have a huge problem with lack of imagery in this poem. It would be nice if you added some, otherwise we won't really want to read it.
imagery
You need to paint images in our minds. Make us see what is going on. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the textures, the latter and former only if relevant. You should use some figurative language to improve this poem. Similes, metaphors and such, would really make this poem. You need to paint the scenes. Make us feel what you want us to feel.
Next we have empathising. You need to emapthise in order to care for a piece, (if that is the intention of the author) 'kay, so here, we have a poem that's got so much potential for people to empathise, yet I don't feel that we're there just yet. To empathise you need to make us feel upset for your character. You need to make us care. How many people go through the subject matter? Millions. So why should we cry our eyes out over one that doesn't even exist? You've got to make us. You've got to make us feel for your character, so that we care about the outcome, otherwise we're just going to give up on this poem.
You have good raw emotion in your poem. Raw emotion is very important in poetry BUT, be careful with it, if you put in too much it ends up almost like an "emo" poem, a poem for people to get out their anger, but not poetic in the least.
I liked the flow of your poem, it worked well.
You had a nice message to promote too, which I liked . xD
Hope I helped
~Kirsten
xxx
[quote]dont don't be afraid my dear comma
Even if you're not going to capitalize all your first letters, you still need to capitalize some pronouns. Example: I i am here full stop, comma or semi colon I think would work here.
dont don't cry comma dont don't bleed comma
I should be capitalized i swear it
ill First of all I needs to be capitalized, and there should be an apostrophe between the i and the first l - I'll die! take heed
my warning
it only helps the dead
there is...
blood running down my head
oh
this war
it tore
our house down to the ground
even though it was
when we werent weren't around comma
because the fighting could last all night
i capitalize the I hate all this building fright
so please comma my dear comma
dont don't fear comma
im I'm here full stop
OWEN!!!! This is amazing! Are you sure your'e only 12? I love you Owie! But like the post above me, this could use some editing, bring your thoughts together and make this a more tight poem.
Ok, I don't exactlyl understand what you meant by "My warning", if you explained that better i think that you would improve the whole poem, i think that with a little work this could be a totally perfect and deep poem, i love your use of vocabulary and i just love the over all idea, sheltering a loved one from death and war... i would like to see more!
see you on Monday hon!
This needs major editing. On YWS, please try to post good grammar and punctauation. Most reviewers ignore poems for this reason. So please, please, please, fix this up.
This poem seems to be passive writing. That means you write whatever comes to your head. Basically a rough draft. These are all random ideas and streams of thought. There are really no symbols, imagery or metaphors here.
I would suggest that you take this and do some major changing. Some of the lines don't make that much sence. Such as these lines:
I don't understand what you are trying to say here. Again, let me remind you to use CORRECT PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR! When you use punctuation, the poem would flow better. With some editing though, this poem could be promising. Good luck, and practice and you'll improve.
owen i love this i honestly do i didn't think you could write like that... that's what i'd call talent... and sorry but it is really cute! <3 you should write more poems!!!!!!!!!!!!! see you tommarrow.. and i don't hate it.. if i hated it i would have said something like.. "well thats interesting but i would've done.. blah blah blah"